A week ago Thursday I explained to my kids at dinner that I would be gone the next evening. I explained that I had a meeting to attend on Friday and Saturday. My wife and I had talked about my plans earlier, but the news came as a surprise to the four kids.
They all sighed that dad wouldn’t be home on Friday evening, a night typically designated Family Movie Night in our house. My 11-year-old boy, John, really took issue with me.
“Where is the meeting?” he asked.
"Alexandria,” I answered
“How far away is that?”
“About 145 miles.”
“Your meetings last all day?”
“No, they run from 8 in the morning until noon, both Friday and Saturday.”
"So what are you going to do Friday afternoon and evening?” John asked.
“I am bringing some work with me.”
“Dad, you could come home. It’s only a two and a half hour drive.”
“That wouldn’t be very convenient,” I said.
“Dad, what would you rather do: work or be home with us?”
“Wow,” I answered. “Let’s not talk about this any more.”
We finished the meal, mostly in silence. I thought a lot about what John was saying. He was right. I could come home Friday afternoon and return early Saturday morning. It would mean an extra tank of gas, but even at $4 a gallon that’s still less money than the cost of a night in a hotel. Early Friday morning, as I was leaving for the meeting, I didn’t bring an over-night bag. I resolved to come home that afternoon and return for the remainder of the meeting Saturday. We ended up having a very nice evening on Friday together. I got a couple hours of one-on-one time with John that I otherwise would have missed.
I have been thinking about this episode for a week now, and I have come to a few conclusions:
First, John’s question about whether I would rather work or be with family, is unfair. For most breadwinners in any household it is not an "either/or" proposition. You need both. You have to work and you have to have family. The trick isn’t choosing one over the other; the trick is figuring out how to choose both.
Second, the kids really do care what I do. Sometimes it is easy to assume they aren’t paying attention. The kids are so busy that sometimes it is easy to feel unappreciated, or it is easy to feel as if they don’t need dad. But they do.
I am glad I rearranged my schedule to come home Friday afternoon. So the third lesson is, it pays to listen to your kids. Take their suggestions seriously. Don’t just dismiss their comments. I am not saying that I would always do as they say, but I have learned that it is almost always worth it to consider what they are saying, even if at first it seems they are speaking non-sense.
In this situation, the best way for me to integrate my work life with my home life was to drive back and forth over 145 miles, twice in two days. Next year, the meeting is in the Wisconsin Dells, which is four hours away. The best way to integrate work and family next summer might be to take the family with me.
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